


if you must mourn, don't do it alone

by stuckyondestiel



Series: stories for friends [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Really They Need To Talk Shit Out, Sharing a Bed, hello friend, this is for a friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 22:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20881781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckyondestiel/pseuds/stuckyondestiel
Summary: i didn't have anyone beta this one, but i do hope that anyone who reads this likes it :)05/13/2020 update - spelling and grammar mistakes





	if you must mourn, don't do it alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AnjaWritingsx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnjaWritingsx/gifts).

> i didn't have anyone beta this one, but i do hope that anyone who reads this likes it :)
> 
> 05/13/2020 update - spelling and grammar mistakes

It was quiet on the car ride back to the motel from the cemetery, it should have been a simple salt and burn, but as always it seemed that something goes overlooked and it lead to the unfortunate situation of the three of them being outnumbered by a small collective of rouge witches. Dean was already in a grumpy place at the fact that they were dealing with witches, so when Castiel got cornered because of his own reckless abandon it nearly pushed him in the territory of seeing red. Castiel acting without much thought would have been okay if Castiel hadn't just gotten back from the empty. As a human.

Despite Dean being angry he kept looking in the backseat at the upset former angel and knew that he would have to talk to him about it, he didn't like it when they were having disagreements, it was unsettling to him.

As soon as they pulled into the parking lot of the motel Sam was already on his way to the room Jack was in; saying he was just checking in on him. None of them felt comfortable with Jack hunting yet but he was a good researcher, so for the last few hunts Sam had been rooming with him to watch over and team up brain power.

Dean looked at Castiel and motioned for him to follow him to their shared room, thinking to himself that it's now or never. Feeling too much to be anything but honest and straightforward.

As Dean shut the door behind them, and walked over to sit on the edge of his bed is when he finally looked up at Cas, he found eyes already looking back at him.

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean sighed in frustration. “you coulda gotten yourself killed, did you even stop and think of the consequences?”

“I know what I did was a foolish mistake for all of us, Dean, but you were in harm's way and I felt like I had to intervene.” Cas sighed and added after a moment “You would have done the same thing and I don't understand why you're so upset, every time we leave for a hunt we risk our lives to save others.”

“That's not the point, Cas… We just got you back, Jack depends on you like a father. And I- …” Dean inhaled sharply, realizing he might not be as ready as he thought he was to cross that barrier. “You know what, it doesn't matter. I'm tired. We should get some shut eye, it's been a long day.” Dean tilts his head down and closes his eyes, almost in quiet contemplation.

Cas breathes in anxiously and begins to say, “Dean, please, if you thought to say it out loud then it must've been important enough for you to say something. Don't hide behind saying it doesn't matter. We haven't even spoken one on one since my return. If me being human is burdensome-” he get cut off by Dean standing to correct his negatively skewed train of thought.

“Cas, no that's not- that's not true, okay? You're family, in a weird way you've been there for me longer than my own mother has, so don't go sayin' that shit, alright?” Dean sighed and ran his hands over his face in resignation. “Cas, look, it killed me to see you die, especially the way that you did, alright? And I don’t know what you expect me to say… I just- you were. It was hell, worse than hell, because every night I would close my eyes to go to sleep and I would relive it. But you were never there to pull me away from that continuous repetition of watching you die. You were just… gone, and I missed you so much. I needed you so much.” Dean’s gaze shifted around as if he could see a swarm of bees that were invisible to everyone else, that’s what his nerves felt like anyways.

“I am sorry, truly, for the hurt my death caused you. But it's unfair for you to treat me like I am breakable, Dean. It's unfair to me-" Cas was giving Dean a pleading look, silently asking him to see how he felt. 

"Unfair!? Really, Cas!? You're talking to me about what you feel is unfair? You of all people know first hand how unfair the hand I've been dealt has been. I lost my first and only best friend in a way I thought that I was never gonna get him back; and so when I get upset because of you being reckless, you ask me to treat you differently because how I'm treating you now is unfair to you?" Dean sighs angrily needing to get some air. "I'll be right back" he grumbled out after a moment and stood up to leave. 

"Wh- Dean, please stay, don't go…" Cas pleaded with him again, considerably confused and unsure about the path they've taken during this conversation. 

"You're asking me to stay?" This was apparently happening now; Dean thought as he turned around to face Cas.

"Dean, I don't understand why you're so upset!" Cas fiercely retaliated. 

"I'm upset because never once have I complained about you up and leaving to go do whatever it is you had to in Heaven, and while I understood your responsibilities, it was every single damn time I had to swallow back the urge to ask you to stay. I'm upset because you make me feel so much I don't think you even understand, I sure as hell don't know how to talk about it. I'm upset because my whole damned and forsaken life I've never depended on anyone or anything like I've somehow been depending on you. And most of all, Cas, I'm upset because despite every fucking thing, I've somehow managed to fall in love with you." By the time Dean was done speaking his eyes were glossy with hushed tears and he could hear his own heartbeat thumping in his ears. 

"Dean, I- …" Cas was unable to say anything else. 

"No, Cas, you need to listen. You don't know what I went through after Lucifer stabbed you. I-I just saw you there and I couldn't look away. You were so still and so fucking lifeless… and your wings they were just etched into the earth's surface, and the one clear thought I had was that they belong far from this place, and I felt so guilty, Cas, I felt the guilt reside in my lungs and it resonated there. Because yet again I had failed you, and yet again I had never gotten the fucking chance to tell you that I loved you." Dean was breathing heavily trying to control the oncoming storm of the war between his head and his heart, the result lead to him sitting back down and closing his eyes and a few tears slipped through and fell. 

Cas took the few steps over and knelt in front of Dean and cupped both sides of his face, slowly stroking away the tears as he scanned his eyes over the face of the man before him. Smiling sweetly and softly; “Dean Winchester, I love you too, the moment I saw your soul I knew from then on; I vowed to myself to always protect you, and while I know I haven’t done the job perfectly, I still would have done everything I did against Heaven and everything I was taught to believe in. I’ve always loved you, it just wasn’t until a few years ago I knew what that meant. And I’m here now, I am here and my lungs are breathing, my heart is beating for you, Dean. I am living all for you.” 

Dean leaned forward and gently rested his forehead against his angels, he closed his eyes, clenched his jaw, took a deep breath, reached up to cover Cas’s hands with his own, and he gently kissed him. It was soft and slow and full of love, “I love you, Cas, and I’m pretty sure I always will.”


End file.
